Me? A Bitch? NO!

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I read a blog post from one of my favorite blogs: you know, one that’s in my feedreader that actually gets read?  Anyway, it brought up something that’s been sitting inside of me for about a year now – something that I think has always been there – but I’ve somehow managed to ignore it, shun it, forget about it, etc. Until now, where I’m starting to notice that it is there and that I can’t ignore it. Especially being outside of my own country, in one where i thought by now, I’d have begun to fit in as well as I did over there.

Basically, I’m talking about isolation. I don’t have, well, any friends in this country – unless you count my boyfriend. Which is really strange because I had quite a few friends back home in Canada, all of which have started to trickle away. And that scares me because firstly, I don’t really seem to care that they’re dying away, and secondly, it upsets me because I’m now starting to realise how difficult it is to make friends in this country, especially when everyone already has friends.

I’ve considered going out and being more sociable but honestly, I just can’t be bothered. And this is where I start to think that I actually like being a loner. Sure, I’ve been invited to birthday parties, or to go sky-diving, or even to go on holiday to Spain with people – and I have even seen a friend that I had fallen-out with go on holiday with another friend I’d lost touch of, and thought to myself, “Man, I’m glad I’m not friends with her anymore because it would suck to have to turn down going on holiday with her. She’d be pissed”. I guess I just can’t fathom the idea of having to be obligated to undertake such tasks as going on holiday with someone, or going to their birthday party, unless they mean the whole entire world to me – and you know, I know this sounds really horrible, and that I must sound like a total bitch, but this is honestly how I feel. I want to be friends with people, but not to the point where I have to take care of them, and vice versa.

This also comes to the point where, I totally, sociablly, clam-up all the time. Unless booze is involved. In that case, you can’t shut me up. But seriously, I have no idea what is going on around me because I’m so anti-social. Case in point? A girl at my office was sacked and I didn’t find out until a month later. A guy in my team went on holiday to Italy, and I thought he was just hanging out at home for a few days. I know this might not sound so bad, but consider yourself perhaps emailing the sacked girl repeatedly with work-related questions, and then getting all angry as to why she hasn’t responded. Or asking the guy who went to Italy, how his time chilling out at home was? And seriously, I had no excuse for not knowing where he was going, since the room I sit in with him is 20 feet by 10 feet.

Thus last week I decided that for a change, just for a change, I’d be nice. But it didn’t last long. There were still situations where someone would ask how I am, and I never returned the question. I do that a lot – my brain just doesn’t seem to kick into the whole, ‘Yes, I care about you too’ factor, for some reason. By the end of the week, I was riding up the walls in total discontent with this whole being nice and friendly thing. And now, I’ve resigned to the fact that yes, I have an awesome boyfriend, yes, I have an awesome best friend, and yes, my Internet commies are damn fine too, so therefore, I don’t need to be nice to anyone else.

Therefore, if you ask me how my day was, and I say, “Fine, thanks” and turn on my heel. Don’t be offended. I’m being a bitch because that’s who I am.

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